where the heart is

after 2 and a half months of waiting and 10 hours of flying, i am now back on US soil in atlanta, georgia, awaiting my connection to SD. an eventless flight and scarily easy customs pass, so easy in fact that i probably could have brought that bresaola after all, and i was on my way. i'm passing away the time until my connecting flight, a whopping 5 hours from when we arrived, sitting in the food court, listening to jazz piano and utilizing free internet while sipping on my first "caffe americano" in about 6 months.

the first few hours back in the states for me are always peculiar, as my ears re-adjust to hearing english all around me, my tongue disentangles itself from the italian language, and my brain wraps itself around english syntax, all while my eyes take in the sights and smells and sounds of this strange place called "home". these should be my people, my food, my restaurants, my language, and yet they feel so foreign.

home isn't simply where the heart is, though i come to appreciate the adage all the more the more time i pass away from the US. it's also where there is the familiar, the comfortable, the quotidian that becomes an integral part of the passing of time, as if its presence were taken for granted but felt the minute it's taken away or replaced. and it's in moments of reflection, of silent observance of the "new" as it passes all around you, that once again takes you back to that which was normal.

when i am there, eventually i long to experience here, and when i am here i long to go back there, a conundrum which often leads to soul-searching. i don't have to make commitments to one place, but do know what when i'm away from there too long i begin to miss the sights and smells and tastes and experiences, the constant pique of emotions and senses. i can be away from here longer than i can from there without feeling incomplete. perhaps because i know that here will simply always be here when i want. and while i love to be here, occasionally revisiting it all, partly in an attempt not to forget, in the end all i know is that by now, there has melted into a sea of normalcy, into home.

compass north

the chocolate cake was s smash hit. the only sugary part was the cream cheese frosting with powdered sugar since i didn't have any more sugar substitute. primary ingredients: zucchini, chestnut flour, almond flour, coconut, agave syrup. and you never would've known it didn't contain a trace of gluten or sugar.

yet this cake has done funny things to me. in the past year my creative side has run rampant in the kitchen and i've found myself delighting the taste-buds of many unsuspecting italians, baking away to see how they would react to such desserts as lemon-meringue pie, real american cheesecake, muffins, cupcakes, apple crisp and more. this has led me to foster fleeting ideas of an american bakery here in italy. and this new cake, along with the plethora of other healthful recipes which i've been finding in my research, have caused these fleeting ideas to become more solidified and well-defined: an american bakery which offers gluten and sugar-free options, both of which are lacking in italy. while my entrepreneurial side has reared its head more in my desire to tell others how they should run their businesses (poor mom when i visit home and the cafe), this time it's bitten me rather seriously. and i'm not quite sure how to approach this new desire which has been hanging around for quite some time, seeing my new age (25 - not sure how i like that number just yet), my educational background (political science and italian studies) and my current financial status (student loans: still lingering). this all leads me down a rather precipitous, soul-searching road, seeing as my vast desires have led me in many different directions, and knowing i've had many other ideas throughout the years as to what i want to spend my time doing long-term. those ideas, as much as they've not materialized, have brought me to this point. and sooner or later the compass has to point to north.

sometimes i feel trapped in a strange time warp in which for the united states i'm considered old enough to have long discovered my path in life, while by italian standards i'm far ahead of many youth who at my age haven't even graduated or left home. this has led me to the conclusion that i must disregard both concepts of time and continue to construct my own idea of gait and stride. i still haven't figured out "what i want to be when i grow up," but strangely, the more i grow up the less i feel so, as if maturity catches up with itself. i'm not the all-knowing person i assumed, as a young girl, that all 25 year olds are. i've come to see that there are some who still haven't discovered exactly what they want from life, but aren't sure it has to be just one thing. i'm willing to give myself time to discover exactly what it is i want to and should do. and if it turns out to be an american bakery in the middle of milan, i'd say, who would've thought.

sweet change

how i have neglected you, blog. but while posts are absent, thoughts are never far from my mind.

this year has been a cycle of ups and downs, and looking back i see footprints of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. we're still making progress. this year has been full of sentimental ups and downs and finally leaving behind my relationship with simo, changing apartments 3 times in 9 months, immigration issues and health issues. and while immigration issues still linger, i have seen the fruits of my hard labors this year and am finally coming to appreciate a rotund bank account. buying and spending do not equal happiness, and the endorphins of the moment aren't worth the long-term loss.

in june i wrapped up my second year of teaching and am headed back to the states for 3 weeks in a month. in that month i will have to re-apply for my visa and hope for the best. the school i interned at this year was fantastic, and the teachers and director amazing. so amazing that they've been working incredibly hard to be able to keep me next year. yet between lawyers and trips to the police stations, no one has been able to accomplish anything yet. now we're going to try an "autonomous worker" route which means i'm technically not a hired worker but a freelancer with a temporary contract. at this point i'll take anything that'll help me to stay here. i just can't quite picture heading back to the States right now.

another big change this year came a couple of months ago, on the heels of several months of feeling not my best. i went to the pharmacy next to the pub for a few blood tests after the pharmacist, who comes to the pub every 10 minutes to drink an espresso, told me i had a bit of swelling around my thyroid area and i should come in for a few tests. everything looked ok, until we got to the blood sugar levels. they were at 207, or diabetes level. we did it again and they were 146, the first most likely beind a fluke. yet 146 on a fasting test is not indicative of a healthy body (levels should be between 60-80) and this sent me into a tizzy of research for ways to bring down blood sugar, in particular seeing as poppa had diabetes and it runs in the family.

i almost immediately cut out all sugars, caffeine, processed foods, cow milk, grains, and carbs except for those found in cheeses, yogurt, fruit, and vegetables. i also found research that indicates that cinnamon lowers blood sugar, and so attempt to drink about a 1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon water around meals. after eating like this for a month, i went back in to test my blood sugar and it was down to 98/100. something was working. still not normal but far from the 146 levels of a month previously.

my new, healthy way of eating is actually not the burden i thought it would be, as in the first days after the test i found myself desperately trying to understand what exactly i could eat. i was preparing myself to say goodbye to sweets and treats and all things i considered "yummy". my breakfast in the morning of a caffe latte and several of these amazing cereal cookies...gelato, pasta, bread, pizza, cakes, muffins and so many other things. i occasionally allow myself a gelato or a taste of dessert, but my eating habits have radically changed. why would i want to eat processed stuff that hurts my body? eating low-carb actually gives you the ability to eat more fats and proteins and so i've indulged in my love of cheeses, olives, greek yogurt, and meat. fresh fruits and vegetables are never far from the fridge. almonds and ground flax seeds have become integral parts of my diet. while i had to leave behind some of these foods, i've gained so many other amazing ones. this also means spending more money for food seeing as meat and cheeses, fresh fruits and vegetables, and organic products cost more than pasta and rice, but i realize that i have to eat a diet that works for my body and not just for my wallet.

and while sometimes it's not easy forcing myself not to reach for the bread basket at lunch, in researching i've found a plethora of blogs and website by people who have discovered substitutes for ingredients in the most tempting of desserts and breads and other treats and have been able to recreate some of the favorites i thought i would have to leave behind forever. the other week i made almond meal and flax seed blueberry muffins sweetened with agave syrup and they were to die for. tonight i'm going to make a cake for my birthday with zucchini, chestnut flour, and agave syrup. who woulda thunk. and what is most comforting about this way of eating is that i know it's good for me.

so while 25 is just a day around the corner, i feel that i can turn a quarter of a century with new goals. this year will be full of experimentation, saving more, eating better, and living better. i personally think it will be quite yummy.