sweet change

how i have neglected you, blog. but while posts are absent, thoughts are never far from my mind.

this year has been a cycle of ups and downs, and looking back i see footprints of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. we're still making progress. this year has been full of sentimental ups and downs and finally leaving behind my relationship with simo, changing apartments 3 times in 9 months, immigration issues and health issues. and while immigration issues still linger, i have seen the fruits of my hard labors this year and am finally coming to appreciate a rotund bank account. buying and spending do not equal happiness, and the endorphins of the moment aren't worth the long-term loss.

in june i wrapped up my second year of teaching and am headed back to the states for 3 weeks in a month. in that month i will have to re-apply for my visa and hope for the best. the school i interned at this year was fantastic, and the teachers and director amazing. so amazing that they've been working incredibly hard to be able to keep me next year. yet between lawyers and trips to the police stations, no one has been able to accomplish anything yet. now we're going to try an "autonomous worker" route which means i'm technically not a hired worker but a freelancer with a temporary contract. at this point i'll take anything that'll help me to stay here. i just can't quite picture heading back to the States right now.

another big change this year came a couple of months ago, on the heels of several months of feeling not my best. i went to the pharmacy next to the pub for a few blood tests after the pharmacist, who comes to the pub every 10 minutes to drink an espresso, told me i had a bit of swelling around my thyroid area and i should come in for a few tests. everything looked ok, until we got to the blood sugar levels. they were at 207, or diabetes level. we did it again and they were 146, the first most likely beind a fluke. yet 146 on a fasting test is not indicative of a healthy body (levels should be between 60-80) and this sent me into a tizzy of research for ways to bring down blood sugar, in particular seeing as poppa had diabetes and it runs in the family.

i almost immediately cut out all sugars, caffeine, processed foods, cow milk, grains, and carbs except for those found in cheeses, yogurt, fruit, and vegetables. i also found research that indicates that cinnamon lowers blood sugar, and so attempt to drink about a 1/4 teaspoon of cinnamon water around meals. after eating like this for a month, i went back in to test my blood sugar and it was down to 98/100. something was working. still not normal but far from the 146 levels of a month previously.

my new, healthy way of eating is actually not the burden i thought it would be, as in the first days after the test i found myself desperately trying to understand what exactly i could eat. i was preparing myself to say goodbye to sweets and treats and all things i considered "yummy". my breakfast in the morning of a caffe latte and several of these amazing cereal cookies...gelato, pasta, bread, pizza, cakes, muffins and so many other things. i occasionally allow myself a gelato or a taste of dessert, but my eating habits have radically changed. why would i want to eat processed stuff that hurts my body? eating low-carb actually gives you the ability to eat more fats and proteins and so i've indulged in my love of cheeses, olives, greek yogurt, and meat. fresh fruits and vegetables are never far from the fridge. almonds and ground flax seeds have become integral parts of my diet. while i had to leave behind some of these foods, i've gained so many other amazing ones. this also means spending more money for food seeing as meat and cheeses, fresh fruits and vegetables, and organic products cost more than pasta and rice, but i realize that i have to eat a diet that works for my body and not just for my wallet.

and while sometimes it's not easy forcing myself not to reach for the bread basket at lunch, in researching i've found a plethora of blogs and website by people who have discovered substitutes for ingredients in the most tempting of desserts and breads and other treats and have been able to recreate some of the favorites i thought i would have to leave behind forever. the other week i made almond meal and flax seed blueberry muffins sweetened with agave syrup and they were to die for. tonight i'm going to make a cake for my birthday with zucchini, chestnut flour, and agave syrup. who woulda thunk. and what is most comforting about this way of eating is that i know it's good for me.

so while 25 is just a day around the corner, i feel that i can turn a quarter of a century with new goals. this year will be full of experimentation, saving more, eating better, and living better. i personally think it will be quite yummy.

welcome back

the new school year has begun with a rush of cooler temperatures in milan, and i am finally posting several months after my last blog.  as my pots of homemade chicken stock and lentil soup simmer on the stove and keep the cold outside at bay, this will be the first of an attempt, no, a resolution, to post as prolifically as my little fingers can handle this coming year. 

i am now happily in central milan, where everything is faster, a lot bigger, and there is no more smell of cows to greet me in the morning (despite how charming tiny crema was).  the move to milan was definitely what my inner adventurer wanted - a place where the sights, smells, food and culture of a more cosmopolitan italian city could overwhelm my senses.  so far so good.  i moved here in july after having searched hopelessly for work for 3 weeks before stumbling upon a job in an english pub working as a waitress during their 11-4 lunch period.  though deliciously under the table and slightly underpaid, it (barely) paid rent and food for the duration of the summer before my internship started again.  more importantly i am content and have met some incredible people.   

as far as my permesso di soggiorno and visa, while it seemed as though i could deal with everything from italy, 2 months after all of my papers expired i was told by the questura in crema that that was, indeed, not the case.  though not really a surprise, it left me reeling as to the reality of the immigration system in italy that gives you an appointment for your permesso di soggiorno after said permesso has already expired, and furthermore makes you wait 2 months to tell you that indeed, what they had told you is not actually true.  my options were waiting months for the permesso to be potentially renewed after transfers of papers from city to city all the while without a single document to justify my presence, or going back to california to re-apply for a visa.  so i found myself at the first week of september, after two separate trips to the questura in crema, buying a last-minute ticket to SD.  in the grand complex of things, i have realized that i still don't understand well enough the perfect harmony and significance of events.  in being "forced" to go back home by an impossible immigration system, not only did i have my visa in hand 9 days after applying for it, but i had a blast working in mom's cafe for 3 weeks with some great people and saw old friends and family who after a year were beginning to think i was never coming back.  and most importantly, i was able to spend some wonderful last moments with my grandfather and say goodbye to him before he passed away, as well as attend his funeral.  looking at the individual threads never allows an appreciation for the garment.

and now life marches on to the beat of a different drum, which currently means teaching at my new school (which is small, catholic, almost private, has only two amazing english teachers with whom i'll be working, and is an incredible breath of fresh air after my experiences last year) 12 hours a week in the morning before heading to the pub til 4 with a dose of lucrative private english lessons on the side.  exhausting?  when i walk in the door in the evening and plop down on my bed, yes.  not exactly what i envisioned 6 years ago when i started college?  not really.  but i smile when i realized that this is what i wanted, somewhere deep down.  not necessarily to be recently graduated, not knowing where i'll be after may, but broadening my sphere of influence, meeting amazing people, having adventures that are more difficult if not impossible at retirement when most people permit themselves the time, and teaching kids and adults not only english grammar but a way of life, waiting tables as a covert american on the side.  not exactly what i had envisioned, but perfect for the moment.

tutto fa brodo

it’s almost the end of february. as i’ve been going along in this internship i haven’t really been thinking of how eventually it will come to an end. i have been living days that run into days, class by class, punctuated by evenings and weekends. but it will all come to rest at the end of may at sraffa, and in the middle of june at the liceo artistico. after that my crystal ball has no answers, no responses beyond the infinite black that stares back up at me.

yet there are constants right now that lead me to make a fairly easy decision. my love for this country, my adoration of the italian language, my fascination with european culture, my wanderlust, and, on a practical level, the weakness of the american and world economies which makes teaching english abroad comparatively lucrative. now that things have settled down at the liceo artistico and my schedule at sraffa is calming down once again, i’m going to actively start looking for another job for september, closer to or in milan where the opportunities are manyfold, and closer to where simo is. preferably in a private school or english institution where the desire to learn english is the result of a personal decision and not an obligatory academic requirement.

i realize that some of the above-mentioned constants in and of themselves have the ability to be inconstant, but i have to make my decision, jump in, and hope for the best. i also have friends who are in italy and europe teaching, friends who are applying to this program for next year, laura and nate are thinking about staying in italy, and i have many italian friends throughout the country. i know i want to stay for at least another year, and beyond that i will have to decide at that point where the diverse factors stand.

i have also grown up a little more beyond the 21-year-old who was here the last time. i used to be intimidated by natives, by my lack of perfection in and knowledge of the language, by my unfamiliarity with conventions and traditions. yet that is all but disappearing, melting away as i stop seeking perfection (as much as a perfectionist can stop seeking perfection) and seek a natural rhythym, harmony, and connection with this place. and the more i let go, the more i receive. now at times i even forget i’m in italy, in a country thousands of miles away from ‘home’, in a country which has not bestowed citizenship upon me, upon whose soil i have lived for a mere two years, a place which has unwittingly adopted my heart and soul. now, going to the grocery store is no longer fascinating, hearing italian spoken around me no longer stimulating, rushing down the freeway no longer an experience, walking down the cobblestoned streets and gazing up at ancient buildings no longer a history session.

it’s a life lesson that teaches that eventually, tutto fa brodo. eventually all is seen for what it really is. eventually, it’s all the same in the end. the difficulties and frustrations come out from behind the scenes and onto center stage, and sometimes it’s even difficult just to get out of bed when the alarm goes off and all you have to do is confront another day. even that which glitters and shimmers becomes ordinary and quotidian at best. it’s no longer gelato and pizza and wine, the golden fields of wheat bending in the wind and the sun that shines upon your face that is italy. it’s the tired bus driver, the bum who ask for change in the train station, the saleswoman who barely looks at you when asking if you want bags for your groceries that cost you 5 cents each, 4 euro shampoo, walking up and down the central street in town on saturday evenings, the piazza as a meeting place, the economy which never seems to let people get ahead, old women on bicycles, the banks on every corner, the different academic system, the kids you try to inspire, the crucifixes in public schools, the piercings and ripped jeans and wild hair, the lack of a concept of a proper line, the postal post-office workers, the lack of clothes driers, the tiny fridges, the fiercely-strong family bonds. all that and more, as well as the normalcy of getting up in the morning, drinking coffee, and going to work. and it’s bittersweet, that crossing of the invisible threshold to a place where the wrong can’t always be made right, where normal often goes unnoticed, where abnormal becomes absorbed. it is bittersweet because i’m not able to look at it all with the same eyes that i once did. it has simply become a part of who i am.

yet there are some days, like this morning, that i get glimpses of how it was all over again. it’s days like this, the sun making a rare winter appearance, rising above the various colored buildings around me and rays hitting off the side of my balcony, that old stereotypes come back to visit and forgotten feelings are stirred. reminding me of a time when this was how i imagined it all, when the complexity of it all was limited to what i had learned in text books and films. and it’s days like this that i relish in the gaiety that envelopes me, the delight that surrounds me, the particular bounce in my step as i walk down the cobblestoned streets, staring up at the buildings that seem to lean in a little closer, that have something important to tell me today.

catching up

i have been a bad blogger.  i've learned over the course of the years that you know you're a blogger when your thoughts are constantly turned into posts in your head.  yet even the best of intentions often get left to the wayside, and as life has been incredibly busy lately i haven't been good about writing.  that will change, however.  i want to remember these thoughts and events and emotions and what they mean in the moment and in the larger scheme of things.

to catch up since i last wrote, the holidays came and went.  they were bittersweet, as i enjoyed being in italy but would have loved to be home with family and friends.  yet i enjoyed my almost month of total relaxation that largely consisted of sleeping in til 11 and 12 and eating.  simo and i were alone on christmas after things fell through with other people and others were with family.  had we known, we would have planned better and gone down to sicily to his mom's place, but we only found out on the 24th.  so we solved our loneliness with a 4 course meal which took all of christmas day to prepare and several hours to consume.  we exchanged gifts as well, and were like little kids on christmas morning.  simo wanted to open them up right away that morning, but i wanted to preserve the christmas magic and made him wait until after breakfast.  i had gotten him a pair of sunglasses, the same sunglasses that had been stolen from his car this fall, and a really nice bottle of rum that he likes, and he got me a really beautiful bracelet watch.

after the holidays it was back to crema and into the new apartment.  i spent the first day putting my room in order and assembling my "closet", a sort of hanging apparatus that i got at ikea.  i really love my room, a mixture of antiques that were already in the room, and more modern pieces like the bed and the closet which i bought, with my colorful tapestries hung on the walls.  i have a balcony which will be fabulous for dinners in the spring.  i also have an antique piano which needs to be tuned in my room, and which i can't play and is therefore like torture, but it makes a nice bookshelf in the absence of it's musical capabilities.  the apartment is cozy and cute, with a kitchen that's definitely too small, but when we have more than 3 people at dinner, our entry way becomes the dining room and we put my desk and the kitchen table together.  our system works well, and we've tried to buy stuff to make the place seem more homey.  it is definitely a far cry from my other apartment, where i regularly stayed in my room and didn't get along with my roommates.  this place is drama-free and english and italian friendly, with good food and wine flowing freely and where dinners are frequent.  

over break, i was contacted by the principal of the liceo artistico, the high school attached to sraffa.  one of their english teachers went on maternity leave and they were desperately searching for another english teacher.  i agreed to do it, and after a few minor snafus over my not being officially "legal" yet and other things, i had the job, with another 600 beautiful euro a month at my disposal, january's sum of which, i found out later, i will be getting in mid-march because they're having money issues like the rest of the world.  the job has been interesting so far on a professional level because the kids, while at a "high school" and not a professional or technical school like sraffa, aren't the more eager students i expected.  the english program at the school is an internal add-on, meaning the school has to pay its own money to teach english to the kids because they simply want them to learn a bit of it.  the kids know they're not going to have english at their graduation exit exam, so the incentive to study is very low.  then again, the grades in a lot of classes are low so i try not to take it personally.  however it's extremely difficult not to take it personally when many students don't listen to you during class, you have to reprimand them for not doing homework or bringing their books, when they make disrespectful comments, and when every 10 seconds you find yourself shushing them.  there have been several occasions, both at sraffa and the artistico that i've had to go on rants rebuking them for their behavior.  that rarely works for more than the moment, so i've started a "3 strikes rule": every time i have to call you out on something bad you're doing, it's an x on the blackboard.  at the 3rd x, you get a 'nota', or a write-up in the class register...not a positive thing to get.  that actually worked fairly well yesterday in one of the classes, a younger class albeit, and i'll see if i need to apply it in other classes as well.  

the adjustment to the new job has been difficult as well because my sraffa schedule had to change to accommodate my new 10-hours a week at the artistico.  also, i entered in january, right as the last grades were being reported, the last tests given, and the meetings to decide on final semester grades were being held.  the last few weeks so far i've given and graded several tests in a few different classes, organized and figured out final grades and absences that then have to be inserted in a special computer program, and had 3, 1.5 hours meetings deciding on "behavior" grades for individual students and overall issues in classes with the other teachers of the 5 classes i teach.  there are still 2 more meetings to go tomorrow, so my days have been long and tiring.  i've also been figuring out a lot of stuff on my own in this job, seeing as they don't really have any non-italian teachers in that school, and the other teachers have been in the system since day one so they know how it goes.  overall, it's been an interesting learning-curve, and i have a new-found appreciation for hump day, fridays, and the weekend.  

in the last few months i have realized why i love being here and why i love surrounding myself with different things, ie my experience in italy, and my often-new surroundings and situations.  i have realized that stability is not necessarily something you have to sacrifice in the process of change, and change does not have to be destabilizing.  being in italy keeps my brain constantly firing, constantly moving, constantly active.  in my own culture i often get into a lull, into a complacency and boredom that i'm not at ease with.  and while i constantly slip more and more into a comfortable gait with this culture and language and, my senses are still piqued day after day, my mind constantly working to understand this place, making comparisons, writing notes, filing it all away.  right now it's all still an overwhelming mountain of mental post-its, scraps of paper, and ideas, but one of these days it's going on actual paper.  i just haven't figured out when and how yet.

ultimamente...

getting sick makes me grumpy and upset, i have discovered, evidenced last week by my unnecessary and excessive frustration over classes, the kids, and the school.  sure enough, last weekend i got sick, complete with a cold, stomach issues (partly induced by an incompletely-digested panna e prosciutto pizza that i'd eaten for dinner), and a slight fever.  after my week i decided i needed a short vacation, and since monday was a holiday and i decided to not go in to work on my two hours on tuesday, and then always have wednesdays free, i had from friday to wednesday free, spent leisurely and lazily in rho.  i staved off a bigger immune system attack with cocktails of vitamins and italian medicines, the later of which, i have discovered, are potent little things.

life the last few weeks has been a normal rhythm of school and weekends in rho, punctuated by evenings of spritz and wine, a trip to cremona, and english lessons.  the last couple of weeks at the rho/milan convention center there was the 'fiera dell'artigianato', a massive, incredible fair complete with food and craft booths and restaurants from all the different regions of italy and the rest of the world, as well as businesses and companies advertising their wares.  simo and the guys in the house were hosting two sardinian guys who were at the fair with their sardinian booth, so we went to the fair a couple of times and each time stopped off at the sards' booth for some huge chunks of pecorino and wine, and always went away happy and glowing thanks to the latter.  i am obsessed with pecorino cheese and this fair was my paradiso, as you can taste about a million kinds of pecorino as well as other foods.  the sard's gave me some major discounts on a couple of amazing chunks of pecorino, and i bought about a kilo of provola from another vendor, along with some other traditional food items from different regions.  the fair was so big that we spent about a cumulative 12 hours there over two weekends and would have needed another 3 weekends like that to see it all.  

this week is the last push before the holidays.  four more teachings days and then i'm off from the 19th to the 8th.  i'll be in rho for the holidays, and then we might be going to tino's place in the terme for new years.  vacation will be spent sleeping, reading, relaxing, cooking, baking christmas goodies, a bit of traveling if my budget permits, and hopefully starting an online TEFL course.  i'm also moving out of my apartment on friday, so my room is in a state of mild disarray as i pack up yet again.  simo's going to come get me and all my stuff on friday, but hopefully i'll be able to leave all but what i'm going to use over the holidays at the new place so my two giant 100-pound-each suitcases don't have to spend the holidays with me. 

i'm also scheming as to what i want to take from the apartment.  basically the landlord, amidst the continual dramatic apartment saga from day one, has told us she won't reimburse us for a 150 euro pipe we had to replace in the heater.  without going into the complex mathematical aspects of the situation, we're refusing to pay for the pipe as well as the rent which we're giving directly to bog, one of my roommates, so if the landlord dips into bog's very hefty apartment deposit, he'll still have his money.  we've worked our way around it by deciding that if the landlord wants to take money away from us, we'll just take bog's money back in stuff, ie pay bog.  so far i'm buying a couple of mattresses, some kitchen items, and maybe some chairs for the new apartment.  this is sort of how things work around here; tu inculi me, io inculo te, especially when you don't have a signed contract.  i'll just be glad to be in the new place with nate, where we know the landlord, will pay ridiculously low rent, be in the center of the city, and where there will be many-a frequent dinner over good food, wine, and company.

and while around here you learn that it can all change in the blink of an eye, for now that is life in this little corner of crema.

rome wasn't built in a day...

...and neither was the english club at crema.  in the end about 15- 20 students were supposed to come and only 4 showed up, along with one of the caretakers of the school.  it was a small step, and i'm hoping that the next weeks will see a growth in numbers as word-of-mouth spreads around a little love and more people become interested. 

but it's deeper than that, more than creating a simple club where we do activities and watch movies and have conversations.  it's about challenging a mentality, about fostering a new one, about taking young impressionable brains and trying to plant seeds that will bear some sort of positive fruit.  yesterday we watched "in america", one of my favorite films, that has layer upon layer of social, psychological, and philosophical messages, and i was trying to get that to come out in the viewing and meeting.  yet one of the teachers saw me yesterday right before the start of our first english club meeting, and when i told her that i hadn't seen any students yet, she said that i have a lot of nice ideas but "it's the students".  if i hear that one more time, if i hear "this is italy" or "this is Sraffa for you" or "the students are like this" one more time, i think i'm going to explode.  the point is not always to find interest and then take advantage of it...the point is to TEACH interest, to CREATE interest, not to put our hands to our chins and "mandare a fanculo" those who we think will just never get it, ie like i feel like many teachers in this school do.  maybe i'm completely off my base, maybe i am just an ignorant american who takes for granted that she has been raised inside a completely different system.  but if something works better in one place, and something else doesn't work, why not try to impart some of what is positive into that which needs some revitalization?  apathy breeds apathy, and i think that this is what happens here...it's contagious.  i could  go on and on and on...but i'm trying to keep the negativity down and keep the positivity up.  it's amazing what a thank you, a smile, and a nod can do around here,  yet that doesn't mean that i won't fight back...i'm just learning the balance between the fighting and the heaping burning coals thing.  and also how to appreciate the small steps, to hold back, and not expect an immediate return on my investments.

this month has been full of other challenges as well.  i'm learning what it's like to have zero recourse to money.  after paying two months of rent, a one-year health policy, an apartment deposit, and food, 600 euro are pretty much gone.  this month has been painfully tight, and i spent every last centesimo i had last week.  finally yesterday i did an english lesson and earned 15 euros and felt like a queen.  i hadn't gone grocery shopping in a week, but on my way home stopped and got milk, spent 1.87, and felt extravagant.  this month is extraordinarily tight, and won't always be like this, and i'm hopefully going to get reimbursed for the health policy since that's 80 euro that i buy groceries with for a month.  english lessons are a good way for money, but aren't always consistent.  i do have an interview with an english institute later today, though, so that's another possibility for extra work.

but i'm actually enjoying this quasi-poverty thing.  it's making me appreciate a good meal, helping me to cook creatively, and use what i have in the fridge and cupboard instead of going out to buy more food.  more than anything it's amazing what kindness and generosity i've seen this month.  i told the caretaker who came to the english club meeting, and who i've become friends with and give english lessons to, that i earn 600 a month and hadn't gone grocery shopping for 2 weeks (it was a challenge to myself, and i was telling him about it laughing, because i had had fun with the challenge).  he took it seriously though, and since then has given me tons of food, like amazing leftovers from the meals the kids in the hotel program prepare, as well as other leftover and unused goodies.  and he also invited me to eat whenever i want in the school "restaurant" where the kids prepare and serve and eat everything they make (last thursday one of the dishes they prepared was an amazing pumpkin and telaggio cheese risotto in baskets made of grana cheese that still makes my mouth water when i think about it).  it's humbling and gives me goosebumps at the same time, all of this... humbling in that even without a centesimo i am still wealthy compared to most of the world, still have a full stomach, and still have a warm roof over my head as well as a family who will run to my aid if i ask, and goosebumps because i see that there is Someone who cares for me even in the moments that seem the bleakest.

and to add to all that, i have found a beautiful apartment from january-on at an incredibly low price, have two americans here who are amazing and becoming fast friends (one of whom i'll be in the new apartment with), have an italian boy who smothers me in affection, food, and entertainment along with his crazy roommates, and a beautiful sun that has decided that a month is long enough to stay away.  this journey is unpredictable and incredible, even in its simplicity, if you only open your eyes to the Magic.

making lemons out of lemonade

it's been far too long since i've left thoughts in paradise.  not that that means that there have been none, but instead that there have been far too many that the thought of sitting down to attempt to write them in some fashion that makes sense was too overwhelming.   not to mention that my english syntax and lexicon have begun to suffer the effects of my speaking italian.  today i'll attempt to take a little bite out of the elephant.

the time here is flying by at incredible speeds, as lately i have been living the weeks in anticipation of the weekends.  i have been finding my solace in fridays when i escape from this apartment (which i will have to be out of by december 20th) and go to Rho.  there, from friday to sunday, i immerse myself in camaraderie and affection, way too much good food, incredibly long and funny grocery shopping trips, adventures in Milan, and small dogs who shower me with slobbery kisses.  now that simone's been working different shifts, all that will change a bit...the friday to sunday thing, not the rest of it.  his roommates are straight out of a movie, and together with the masses of people that are in and out of that house constantly, they often keep me laughing.  i've told them i feel like snow white and the seven dwarves.  

by now i'm into my 6th week of teaching, and am still enjoying it as much as the first week, though as time goes on i've come to see the many-faceted aspects of teaching and this school.  while some teachers are great, and some students as well, other teachers are less than inspirational and some students hardly human.  but this is the mix that keeps me on my toes.  there is never a dull moment at Sraffa, the school with a rap here in Crema.  i've gotten responses such as "you're teaching at Sraffa!?"  the thing that makes me so disappointed, though, is that i feel that so many teachers have given up on these students, or didn't even care in the first place.  i see the situation of mutual disrespect as a cycle.  granted, there will always be the students who don't give a care and make all the noise as possible and will be as disrespectful as possible.  but when there are teachers who in front of students talk about how much less capable this or that student is, who talk about the low levels of the students while students are walking ahead of them within ear-shot, when teachers yell, are rude, and are mean, what sort of incentive is there to study and be good?  one teacher one day before halloween was asking students, in english, about their plans for all-saints' day, and went so far as to rapid-fire english questions at students about their dead relatives.  one girl started to cry when questioned about her deceased grandfather, and the teacher didn't even stop to ask why or if she was ok, and then shortly after landed on another girl who's father had died and continued asking her questions regarding her father and his death.  i was near tears at this point myself, and thank goodness the bell rang a few moments later.  if these students are treated like this, and have already been given up on, what's the point for them?  people rise or sink to the standards they are given.  

so talking with mom the other day, i decided to channel this frustration and attempt to do something about it.  i am acutely aware of the fact that i could be stopped short and this enthusiasm curbed by the stinginess and apathy that seem to be rampant in this school.  however i want to try to form some sort of english club with frequent activities for the students, be they 5, 10, or 100, so i can get them out of a classroom setting and try to impart cultural and linguistic awareness in them through other channels than the oftentimes lousy classroom environment they're in.  i made up a mock poster for a "first meeting" of the english club, in which we would watch an english movie and discuss it in english.  italian schools are unlike american schools in that there are no sports teams, no extra-curricular activities, and i have yet to see a guidance counselor.  i'll have to present my idea to mariella and will see how it's received, especially since i don't even want to think about all the bureaucratic hurdles i would have to jump over to do something like this.  but i want to try because i cannot, for another 7 months, do nothing around here.  i've also decided to try to be more confrontational with the teachers, albeit respectfully, and also with the students, telling them what i think about teachers' lesson plans, telling the students honestly and respectfully what i think of their behavior.  we'll see where all of this takes me, but i can't imagine it would make anything worse.  i would rather be remembered as someone who sort of broke rules and was active and at least tried to do something rather than someone who minded their own business and did what she was told.  all this not to mean that i expect to create some sort of phenomenon such as in films like "freedom writers", and i'm certainly no pollyanna, more often tending towards pessimism than optimism.  but i have to throw myself into this one...this one's calling my name.  potential failure is a welcome alternative to inaction.

this is the tip of the iceberg.  stay tuned for updates!