the north wind

what do you want to be when you grow up? a question engrained into the mind of american kids. adults, as if they don't know what else to talk about with someone half their size, ask this question just as readily as "what's your name?". as if planning your future at five years old should be just as important as constructing legos and playing with dolls. ambition and competition and self-made-ness are all fundamental principles in the united states, but all tend to put more than a little pressure on young people to decide what their future will be. young people who, most of the time, graduate long before their european counterparts and often have careers and families before they reach the age of 30. yet there's the flip-side. being a free spirit, living year to year and place to place to the point where you reach the age of 25, looking at it all a bit perplexed as friends nurse fledgling careers, get engaged, have babies and buy houses. what exactly did i want to be? and more importantly, what do i want to be? present tense.

i've always thought that life was a series of graduated stepping stones, leading up to more financial security, more maturity, more wisdom, a greater appreciation and understanding of life, a secret you understand more and more the longer you participate in the game. i am in no rush to reach these milestones, knowing i will reach them when i'm ready. i always thought that they would be put underneath me magically, like when mario jumps different levels in video games, an invisible hand setting out solid blocks underneath him. after graduating college, i've gone down a path completely different from the one i'd imagined. and i find myself here, three years later, longing for something more fulfilling and impacting on a personal and societal level. content, but not satisfied, as if i've consumed only the beginning of a sumptuous meal.

the problem is, the idea of a desk job is unappealing, teaching at the moment saps me. yet isn't there a world in between? perhaps it's my cancerian dreamer tendencies that lead me to try many things and stick to few. or perhaps it's the fear of attaching myself to one activity or truly committing, out of fear of failure or confronting my imperfections in a stable, constant job that would lead me to form connections and maintain them. existential questions plague me - do i have to be passionate about my work? is it a requisite, a right? or is it something we do regardless, plunging ourselves into our passions and interests in the free moments, the moments when no one can tell us what to do or how to do it?

while i would like to search for the "perfect job" (if only they would write that on the job description) i remind myself it doesn't exist, this much i have learned and know. what i am searching for is something that uses my talents and traits for a greater good, something that reaches outside my sphere of influence and positively touches others. social work? translation? advocacy? NGOs? non-profits? continue teaching, but in a different environment? all blended with the complicated aspect of being american, native-english speaker, and extra-EU citizen with documents that easily expire just as soon as you get them. but with my heart and soul attracted as if by magnetism to this place, i can't give into challenges and succumb to frustration. it's a waiting game, a test of patience.

and in the absence of clear answers and directions, i continue upon a path i've carved out for myself, despite the uncertainties. so far, mario's done pretty well, the stepping stones always appearing despite the distance below.